Problem Page

One of my girlfriends put into plain words the reason she left her long time boyfriend: "He wasn't man enough." It’s the same in the classroom where I teach women; I hear the same thing all the time.

Bottom line: women think men "need to man up.” If you ask any of them what that means, they’ll tell you in very simple language. "They need make more effort!” “They need to hit on us more!" Who knew?

Most of the guys’ I coach are far too polite to go around hitting on women. They’ve been conditioned to believe that making too much effort, or making a move on a woman is bad form. As far as they’re concerned, only the players and el-smoothos do that, and in their opinion women don’t like being approached – and yet the opposite is true. Women will nearly always be responsive to an approach provided it is light, friendly, non-intrusive – and over when she requests it to be.

Bottom line, There are over 20 million single adults in the UK. Is it any wonder? Nobody makes contact let alone asks anyone on a date! My message is, life’s too short. Take a big breath, say, ‘what the f***’ and go for it!

1. Men won’t approach women:
Why is it that as general rule men will not approach women? And what can we do to make it easier? Surely it requires action from both sides.

As a bloke you will be interested to know that my message to women is, just say or do SOMETHING! ANYTHING! to give a signal that you are receptive to conversation. I’m not talking about you guys going over and getting all heavy, or worse, cheesy with chat-up lines galore – but you must be brave enough to pay attention to see firstly if there is a signal to make a move, and secondly be bold enough to make that move.

It goes without saying that no-one will ever make a move on anyone if there’s no signal – I get that. The problem is you’re not paying enough attention to whether or not you’re getting the green light. That’s because typically, you’re not that familiar with women’s flirting signals. That’s because you’re too worried about what you’re doing or not doing, to focus on what message she’s sending. You need to people watch more. Study women, couples and those who are successful in their dating lives. But don’t become so fixated on watching their body language that you miss the moment. For the most part, you just need to get a good vibe and go for it with the belief that there’s nothing to lose.

Solution: learn to read signals so you know when there’s a green light!

2. Why are men so reluctant to approach women in groups?
Frankly if I was a man, I would be reluctant as well. It can be tricky to make an approach when she’s with a group of friends – it seems so intrusive, and some blokes would even say that 3 is a crowd. Of course there are no hard and fast rules here, sometimes you’ve just got to take a big breath and say, ‘what the f***!’ My suggestion would be simply to read what’s happening before you go on over – look at the non-verbal cues. Is she swinging her head around like a crane, keen to check out the talent? Or are her and her friends in a deep and heavy conversation, in which case, there’s some bad stuff going down and you would be ill advised to approach. It is absolutely up to you to know when she has her ‘blinkers’ on and is not interested in what’s going on around her. Likewise, you’ve got to know when she is keen to make some new friends and up for an introduction.

Solution: Learn to read the non-verbal cues.

3. Men want women to approach them more:
Of course you do! Unless you’re the exception to this rule being oh so confident that you prefer the challenge of the chase, but if you’re a regular guy, you would no doubt be delighted if a woman approached you. If you’ve been lucky enough to be approached, make it a blanket rule to never be rude or off-putting to anyone, even if they’re not your type. If you haven’t ever been approached, don’t stress. Most women view this as something so truly out of their comfort zone; so remote from their beliefs, values and ideals – that it may never happen. I can only empathise and say, ‘I wish it was different’; but in spite of all the progress that women have made over the past few decades, it seems that approaching a man is relegated only to the very few.

Solution: Don’t depend on anyone to make an approach, accept that it is pretty much your responsibility – I’m not saying that’s fair – it’s just the way it is – and go for it, because you have nothing to lose.

4. Girls love bad boys:
So does this mean that you have to become a bad boy with the belief that unquestionably this is a woman’s preference. Do you bemoan the fact that your friend’s say, “You’re too nice.” Are you inclined to agree as women have said it as well? Well be that as it may, you are simply being yourself. And to change your personality to become a stereotype of what women supposedly want is both destructive and stupid. If high school taught you nothing except that the bad guys are the cool guys, the popular guys, and as a result, the guy’s getting all the sex, then sure, you may have felt your personality was never going to cut it. Particularly if you were never into games and the whole, `treat ‘em mean keep ‘em keen carry on. If you look back at your romantic experience, have you found that you’ve had more success with women you have been less keen on, thereby perpetuating the ‘bad boy’ theory, even if it’s been through legitimate reasons, than actually playing silly dating games.

Solution: Be yourself – anything less will be transparent. If a woman smells a fake, she’ll run a mile.